I have decided 2016 will be awesome!

I have decided that 2016 is going to be awesome! Because I'm going to make it that way!

I have been in a bit of a funk for some time, lots of crappy stuff and I was (blogger cliche alert!!) having a lush bath and watching Pretty Little Liars this evening and I just had a spark of positivity, of realisation that a lot of how this year goes is totally in my own hands! 

An awful lot of the things that have been getting me down are totally within my own control to change!

So here are just a few rambled thoughts!

- I will eat healthier

- I will start to exercise 

- I will have a couple of piercings

- I will pay all of my debt off

- I will have pink hair

- I will send my friends birthday cards (instead of just buying them and never getting round to writing/sending them)

- I will do more of "me" & let others do "them"

- I will spend less money on crap

- I will spend more on worthwhile things - like a new bed & doing up the garden!!

- I will read more

- I will sleep more

- I will smile more

- I will forgive more freely

- I will watch all the Big Brothers and not  care about the judgement

- I will visit the beach

- I will go to an outdoor cinema

- I will hope again

- I will dream again

- I will stop saving stuff for best

- I will spend a whole day in the garden eating ice cream and reading

- I will explore ways to be creative

- I will not do things out of obligation anymore, only love

- I will drink vodka and dance until 3am

- I will paint my nails

- I will find a way to give my time and energy out to the world that actually has an impact

- I will hold on tightly to that which I love and let go of everything else

- I will Instagram the crap out of this year!!!!

Moving on

Recently I've made some decisions for me. Just for me. For my own mental, emotional and spiritual well being. I've put off these decisions for so long for fear of other people, of letting them down, of hurting them. I've plodded on, going through the motions for so long, merely surfing certain situations/areas of my life and I felt so peaceful when I just made the decision to do it. So far it's gone well, people have been in total understanding, the grace and love given to me has blown me away. So, if you're putting something off at the moment then, this is just to encourage you to go for it, you might just be surprised.

Itchy feet

I have itchy feet. Proverbially of course! Just lately I've found myself day dreaming more often. Thinking about times in the past and what I want from the years ahead. Wow that sounds much deeper and more serious than I realised now I've written it down!

When I was 18 I spent three months backpacking solo across Europe and it was one of the best times of my life. Waking up somewhere different every morning, not knowing where I'd lay my head that night, meeting new people, seeing different places, it was probably the most alive and free I ever felt.

Sounds silly writing this all down! Of course life isn't going to be like that, I'm not 18 anymore and I'm married with responsibilities, perhaps I'm actually a proper grown up now!

Maybe it's having to have dealt with infertility for the past 5 years, perhaps I just want to escape it and the associated pain and disappointment, perhaps it is having been married for 7 years (7 year itch and all!?), perhaps it's just boredom!

But a while ago I read this article about the regrets of the dying and it's stuck with me. I don't want to wake up one day and regret the way I've spent my time. Especially this one- 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Sometimes I feel like I spend my life in a goldfish bowl, trying to do the right thing, say the right things and tow the line for everyone else! 

Anyway we're off to Crete in August and I'm planning to make myself a summer bucket list to give myself some focus and motivation and maybe some mini adventures!

What a ramble!

Guess who's back!

I have stopped and started with this blog a few times and a while ago I went through and took all my old posts down, why? I'm not sure. Fear of people? Maybe, fear that people I know in real life would somehow find them and read them and know something about me that I hadn't told them. Perfectionism? Probably, something I struggle with for sure. Not knowing why I even want to blog? I'm an avid blog reader and vlog viewer and know I don't really have a niche and that the things I want to write about probably won't be interesting to anyone! But you know what? I think I just need to write! For me. 

I've been thinking about how to start writing again, what to write and if to for too long now so here it is! I've put words onto the screen! 

I feel like I lost myself somewhere in the last year or so and I want to find her again. God that sounds douchey!! But seriously, I feel a little like I've lost my way and maybe, just maybe finding a way to express myself will help. 

Ok that's enough tumblr-worthy, angsty, doucheyness for today!

I'll be back soon, promise!

Oh and because I wanted to put a photo up - here's my love!